As per usual, it's been forever and a day since I've actually written anything on this blog. It's not that I haven't felt inspired in ALMOST A YEAR, it's more that I really haven't taken time to myself for awhile... Which brings me to this post.
Tomorrow is Bell Let's Talk Day, which is a day that is close to my heart. As some of you know, I battled with clinical depression for 16 years of my life. You read that right, 16 whole years it took me to figure out what my triggers are and how I can help myself before I get in too deep and need medical assistance. The reason why it took 16 years is because I didn't talk about what I was going through to anyone except my family and very few close friends because of the stigma that surrounds mental health issues. As I don't want any other mothers, daughters, sisters, fathers, sons or brothers to suffer in silence for 16 years - let's talk!
My struggle started when I was 16 years old. I was a good student, an athlete and the "perfect" middle child who did an incredible job of trying to please everyone. For me, it started with complete exhaustion. So much so that I was originally told by my doctor that I had Chronic Fatigue and was given a doctor's note to take every other morning off school so I could ensure I was getting enough rest. After a couple of months of that ridiculous practice, I admitted to my Mom that I needed more help than just extra sleep. Basically, I couldn't concentrate to save my life, I couldn't sleep, I had zero appetite and zero interest of doing anything with friends, and I was ridiculously moody. I have no idea how my family handled my moods. I was no longer the fun loving person they knew and loved. I was a shell of my former self and so frustrated that I couldn't explain it that I would snap at anything and anyone. So, we got a second opinion from a different doctor. She made me answer a bunch of questions, some of them tough for me to admit, and came back with the diagnosis of Clinical Depression, a new prescription for anti-depressants and a recommendation to see a psychologist on a regular basis.
It took a couple of months for us to figure out the correct dosage for my medication and though it was still a struggle for me to go out with friends, everything else seemed to level off... Until my second semester of my second year at university. You see, no-one told me at 16 years old when I started taking anti-depressants that I shouldn't stop taking them unless I was weaned off them by a doctor. So, guess what I did. After my first year in university, I stopped taking my medication. I had been feeling like my old self again for over a year and figured I was fine to stop. Bring on my first crash...
I had to leave school a month before final exams and move back in with my parents and as much as I could, I dropped all contact with my friends. I was put back on my medication and I went back to a psychologist, but it didn't seem to work this time. So, they upped the dosage and things seemed to level off. Nine months later, I moved back to Victoria and started college. I was living on my own, going to school and working part time as a waitress. Things seemed to be going quite well. I even handled a 6 month co-op placement in Switzerland just fine and was excited about my future. Until my second big crash happened...
I was up in Whistler for my second co-op for school and I had to make that horrible call home to my Mom. It was happening again, but this time I hadn't stopped taking my medication. Again, I had to move back in with my parents. This time was worse though as I was under strict supervision. So much so, that I had to accompany my parents as their "caddy" when they went golfing. Unable to be left alone isn't exactly the place you want to be at in your life when you're 23 years old. It's humiliating, to say the least. As much as I could, I dropped all contact again with my friends. Again I was back seeing a psychologist and this time I even had a psychiatrist seeing me to oversee my medications. It took another 9 months to completely switch my medications (yes, multiple now) and figure out the correct dosage.
Over the course of the next seven years, I made a point of really getting to know myself. I went through peaks and valleys with my depression and through each one, I got to know what my triggers were and what I needed to do for myself to get my mental health back on track. Once I was 100% confident that I knew what it would take for me to stay healthy, my doctor and I started a very long, slow, and calculated process of weaning me off my medications. It took two years, but I am happy that we took the time to do it right!
Though I would prefer to not have had to go through clinical depression in my life, I can honestly say it has made me the person I am today and I wouldn't change that for the world. I am proud of who I am. I am both proud of and thankful to my parents and my family for supporting me through a very "interesting" 16 year ride. It was far from easy! I lived most of that ride in silence due to the stigma that surrounds mental health. I didn't ever want to be judged or questioned as to my motives for taking a day off and I didn't ever want to miss out on any opportunities that I fought hard to earn. I have witnessed many people in my life talk about mental health and depression as if it is something that people can just snap out of and though I wanted to scream out that they have no idea what they're talking about, I haven't said a thing to correct them. The stigma is far harder to deal with than living with your diagnosis.
As hard as it is for me to write this and put my story out to the world, it is what I know needs to be done to break down that hurtful stigma and help others who are currently dealing with a mental health diagnosis. I am thankful for Clara Hughes and Bell Let's Talk Day for doing their best to break down the stigma surrounding mental health and today I am brave enough to tell the Coles notes version of my story because of it. Tomorrow, January 28, 2015, send a text or make a call if you are on the Bell network to show your support for the millions of Canadians who are struggling with their mental health. If you aren't on the Bell network, send a supportive tweet with the hashtag #BellLetsTalk and Bell will donate 5cents for each text, call or tweet to mental health initiatives.
Love and kindness,
Lisa
